NON-DIRECTIVE COACHING - being positive is not the same as being supportive

NON-DIRECTIVE COACHING

My reflections...

When doing my ICF Coach Training I sometimes received praise "You were very good" and whilst this initially is pleasing I quickly realized that the implication might be 1. The Coach is clever 2. The Client is not. I had in fact stolen the focus from the client. It is not about me, it is about them. If their reflection is on how good I am, then it is not upon how resourceful and productive they are. I have given this a lot of thought.

It reminds me of a story: Legend has it that British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and his political rival William Gladstone had a date with the same woman on different nights. When asked her impression of the two men, she said, "When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England."

I also got feedback like "You were very supportive" and this got me thinking too: If I said "That is bad, Oh how terrible, Ohh yes I agree" then I am projecting my values and directing the conversation. The same would be true if I said "That is a good idea, Well done, Yes you are right". Clearly neither praise or criticism are agnostic, impartial and accepting they are value laden and directing.

I have always been cautions about Sympathy or Empathy with my preference being Compassion so as to avoid dissecting the client (I know exactly how you feel) or competing with the client (that happened to me once). Empathy refers to feeling what another person is feeling. Sympathy means you understand what the other person is feeling even without feeling it yourself. Compassion means your feelings have prompted you to take action to relieve the suffering of another person.

However I had not fully appreciated that being positive is not the same as being supportive.

A USEFUL RESOURCE

Attached / below is a really interesting resource on non-directive coaching
https://www.itta.uva.nl/upload/files/Coaching_citizen_guide_non-directive_coaching(2).pdf

I am always interested in feedback, ideas, books, blogs and references. Please feel free to comment.

Tim HJ Rogers  
MBA (Management Consultancy) & Change Practitioner
ICF Trained Coach IoD Business Mentor
Tim@AdaptConsultingCompany.com
Mob 447797762051

Sources
https://www.forbes.com/sites/kareanderson/2013/04/29/bring-out-their-best-side-and-theyll-see-and-support-yours/?sh=1f744ee16d63
https://positivemindsinternational.com/the-danger-of-confusing-empathy-or-sympathy-with-compassion/#:~:text=Empathy%20refers%20to%20feeling%20what,the%20suffering%20of%20another%20person.